Husband and Marriage Before Kids?

Oh boy… *sigh* So this time around I’m going to tap something that is being viewed as a somewhat taboo topic.  Putting your husband and marriage first before your kids.  (I even put it in red…Taboo color?) I know, I’m probably going to hear it from the masses about why it’s wrong for me to think this way and how I should be putting my kids above all else…blah blah blah.  STOP! *throws a hand up* Hear me out before you judge, purty please?  I had this discussion with some friends via my personal Facebook not too long ago.  It was hard to explain the reason for my choice over social media.  I don’t expect everyone to agree with my decision.  I’m okay with that.  I’m also okay with other people having their opinion in the matter.  I just want to know that we can have a mutual respect for each other’s view without fear of ridicule. I know…I know, not easy to accomplish on social media; not with everyone hiding behind anonymity and wearing it as a false badge of courage.  I’m even guilty of this. I think the point I’m making, is no matter what I say or what other people comment…*sings…* R E S P E C T!

I saw an article some time back, written by a woman who stated that she puts her husband before her kids. *audible gasp* My goodness!  The backlash that came from those that read this article (and those that assumed something from the title) was enormous.  I was shocked to see how many people jumped to the conclusion that this woman was a horrible mother and shouldn't have children if she can’t love them first.  I did some serious thinking about my life; my husband and children. My husband and I haven’t been married long.  This June 21^st, will mark 2 years married, although we've been together almost 7 years.  We’re a blended family; son from a previous relationship and daughter together. We do alright for the family we are…there is love, an abundance of it.

My husband and marriage come first, but not in the way many people assume.  There’s a huge difference between the emotional and physical impact that happens within the family.  Obviously, if there was a medical emergency, my husband and I would most definitely put our children on top.  Their well being is very important to us.  I’m talking about a family dynamic of emotional well being. 

I was once a single mother.  I raised my son from the time he was born, until Gabe was 8. I know what it’s like to put my son first.  I also knew though, that if I didn't take care of myself in some way or another (emotionally and physically), I wouldn't be able to take care of Gabe. Now that we all live together and are married, we just furthered that thinking.  James and I realized that when we just placed the kids first, our well being within our marriage and how we thought of ourselves, started to falter.  We neglected to work on our own issues and the issues we were starting to have within our marriage.  Our ability to compromise, grow and learn was beginning to crumble.  That disconnect was beginning to show within our family dynamic; our family wasn't doing so well after awhile.  Next thing we knew, it started to greatly affect our children and the way they viewed themselves and us. Communication within the family started to skip beats, yelling and arguing occurred more often and most of all…we started saying things that we otherwise wouldn't have said. Anger was becoming the new norm in the house.  I wasn't comfortable with this at all.

I started taking a serious look at the way I was handling my own behavior with others and how I perceived myself.  I realized that I wasn't comfortable in my own skin.  I was going through depression and started feeling like I wasn't enough. I don’t know why I felt this way, but knew I needed an inner well-being overhaul.  I started getting back into my yoga/Pilates, started eating healthier, getting more into my artwork, spending more time meditating and understanding who I was and what I wanted for myself.  Most of all, I started to learn to appreciate what I had, instead of doubting the very good things that were already there.

Starting on this road to self-discovery and soul healing, I came to realize I AM totally worth something, I am doing the best I can and that I am good enough. Keeping that in mind, I have been able to continuously strive to do my best to grow and in turn, I can give back what I've learned and hopefully, help others.  My husband saw this and eventually started on his own journey.

James and Gabe did NOT get along for the longest time.  They still butt heads at times, but it’s nothing compared to how it was in the beginning.  James has the patience of a thousand monks.  When he did get angry though, it was very explosive.  It was like his mouth was ripped off a trucker.  There was no calming him. He just needed to vent and then go downstairs to take his time out.  Gabe has always been reactive.  He already had his own issues, but when he and James got into it…it was like watching two teens duke it out over Minecraft.  Neither one wanted to back down.  I would have just stepped in every time and end up doling out the consequences to Gabe.  That only ended up undermining what little parental authority that James had. That just upset James even more.  Gabe assumed I was backing him up.  James was also learning how to be a parent to our daughter, so dealing with a child with special needs and that was not his own biological child, posed some problems.  I felt his frustration. I knew it was time for me to try and help support and work through his feelings with him. 

It’s been months of work between the two of us, but through some counseling , therapy for Gabe, communication and compromise between James and I, we've come so far and have accomplished so much.  Our relationship is 10x what it was in the beginning.  We took the struggles we experienced and learned from them, rather than allow them to conquer our family. We still have our little moments, but NOTHING like we did previously.  Our love and respect for each other has only grown.

My point being, if I didn't take the time to work on myself and my marriage, where would be all be now? I actually took the time to try and understand and learn why James felt what he did, instead of assuming he just didn't care about Gabe. I hadn't of done any of this, we wouldn't be what we are now. We would've probably been another divorce statistic. Guys and gals are different in the ways they act and think.  We can’t assume that because our men don’t talk with us about their feelings that they don’t care. We can’t assume that because they don’t act the way we do with our children that they don’t care.  We can’t assume that because they don’t communicate with the same thoughts that they don’t respect us.  Those ready assumptions can cost us what we truly want.  I love my husband and married him knowing his faults.  We work each and every day, to grow and learn with and from each other.  This in turn, enables our children to learn from us and hopefully help them grow into functioning, compassionate, loving, honest and truthful adults.  We lead by example.