Post Surgery Update 2

Things aren't going quite as well as I had hoped.  I experienced some serious bleeding and clotting yesterday, not normal, for what's supposed to happen.  I thought perhaps my body was trying to regulate itself via menstrual.  I contacted my OBGYN's office and was told to take another HCG test the following day and that if any of my symptoms continued, that I was to head to the ER.  NO!  I don't want another trip! *whines* I feel like I'm practically on a first name basis with those people.  *sigh* Good thing is, the clotting stopped and bleeding slowed to a trickle.  My only side effect from it all has been some fatigue. 

So I let them poke my arm and take some of my life force today.  The results this afternoon? They weren't what I had expected. My doctor called me personally and told me that she didn't see the results she was hoping for, so I needed another blood test tomorrow morning and an ultrasound in the afternoon (in lieu of what had happened the other day). Oh boy...more tests.  More poking and probing? *sigh*  

I know I've needed the blood work for awhile.  I guess from the day of my surgery, I am supposed to get a blood test to check my HCG levels once every week for about 3 weeks or until my levels drop to zero. Then I need them once a week for another 3 weeks, but they have to be zero each week. Then after that, I'm supposed to check once a month for the next 6 months. PHEW! I never thought I'd end up feeling like a pin cushion for medical science. 

I won't deny...I'm scared. I don't want another D&C.  From what I've read, heard and learned, the possibility is there. I've heard of other women having complete Molar pregnancies and having to have 1, 2 or sometimes 3 D&Cs. *grabs abdomen* I'm not sure if I could endure another one.  My biggest fear?  I would need a hysterectomy.  The good thing is, at least I have had the opportunity to have two beautiful children during my childbearing time. These children are the best things to ever happen to me, as well as my incredibly supportive husband. I'm thankful for these blessings. The sad part is that if I end up having to have a hysterectomy, my chances of conceiving another child naturally will be gone. James and I have discussed adoption, but it's still just a thought.  Our main concern is my health and well-being.  

Well, I figured I'd give a little update.  Not sure if it's something anyone wants to hear (sorry about the TMI), but I felt it was needed for myself to have some relief. Count all your blessings, because sometimes, the little ones are the most precious things that life can offer.  :) 

Husband and Marriage Before Kids?

Oh boy… *sigh* So this time around I’m going to tap something that is being viewed as a somewhat taboo topic.  Putting your husband and marriage first before your kids.  (I even put it in red…Taboo color?) I know, I’m probably going to hear it from the masses about why it’s wrong for me to think this way and how I should be putting my kids above all else…blah blah blah.  STOP! *throws a hand up* Hear me out before you judge, purty please?  I had this discussion with some friends via my personal Facebook not too long ago.  It was hard to explain the reason for my choice over social media.  I don’t expect everyone to agree with my decision.  I’m okay with that.  I’m also okay with other people having their opinion in the matter.  I just want to know that we can have a mutual respect for each other’s view without fear of ridicule. I know…I know, not easy to accomplish on social media; not with everyone hiding behind anonymity and wearing it as a false badge of courage.  I’m even guilty of this. I think the point I’m making, is no matter what I say or what other people comment…*sings…* R E S P E C T!

I saw an article some time back, written by a woman who stated that she puts her husband before her kids. *audible gasp* My goodness!  The backlash that came from those that read this article (and those that assumed something from the title) was enormous.  I was shocked to see how many people jumped to the conclusion that this woman was a horrible mother and shouldn't have children if she can’t love them first.  I did some serious thinking about my life; my husband and children. My husband and I haven’t been married long.  This June 21^st, will mark 2 years married, although we've been together almost 7 years.  We’re a blended family; son from a previous relationship and daughter together. We do alright for the family we are…there is love, an abundance of it.

My husband and marriage come first, but not in the way many people assume.  There’s a huge difference between the emotional and physical impact that happens within the family.  Obviously, if there was a medical emergency, my husband and I would most definitely put our children on top.  Their well being is very important to us.  I’m talking about a family dynamic of emotional well being. 

I was once a single mother.  I raised my son from the time he was born, until Gabe was 8. I know what it’s like to put my son first.  I also knew though, that if I didn't take care of myself in some way or another (emotionally and physically), I wouldn't be able to take care of Gabe. Now that we all live together and are married, we just furthered that thinking.  James and I realized that when we just placed the kids first, our well being within our marriage and how we thought of ourselves, started to falter.  We neglected to work on our own issues and the issues we were starting to have within our marriage.  Our ability to compromise, grow and learn was beginning to crumble.  That disconnect was beginning to show within our family dynamic; our family wasn't doing so well after awhile.  Next thing we knew, it started to greatly affect our children and the way they viewed themselves and us. Communication within the family started to skip beats, yelling and arguing occurred more often and most of all…we started saying things that we otherwise wouldn't have said. Anger was becoming the new norm in the house.  I wasn't comfortable with this at all.

I started taking a serious look at the way I was handling my own behavior with others and how I perceived myself.  I realized that I wasn't comfortable in my own skin.  I was going through depression and started feeling like I wasn't enough. I don’t know why I felt this way, but knew I needed an inner well-being overhaul.  I started getting back into my yoga/Pilates, started eating healthier, getting more into my artwork, spending more time meditating and understanding who I was and what I wanted for myself.  Most of all, I started to learn to appreciate what I had, instead of doubting the very good things that were already there.

Starting on this road to self-discovery and soul healing, I came to realize I AM totally worth something, I am doing the best I can and that I am good enough. Keeping that in mind, I have been able to continuously strive to do my best to grow and in turn, I can give back what I've learned and hopefully, help others.  My husband saw this and eventually started on his own journey.

James and Gabe did NOT get along for the longest time.  They still butt heads at times, but it’s nothing compared to how it was in the beginning.  James has the patience of a thousand monks.  When he did get angry though, it was very explosive.  It was like his mouth was ripped off a trucker.  There was no calming him. He just needed to vent and then go downstairs to take his time out.  Gabe has always been reactive.  He already had his own issues, but when he and James got into it…it was like watching two teens duke it out over Minecraft.  Neither one wanted to back down.  I would have just stepped in every time and end up doling out the consequences to Gabe.  That only ended up undermining what little parental authority that James had. That just upset James even more.  Gabe assumed I was backing him up.  James was also learning how to be a parent to our daughter, so dealing with a child with special needs and that was not his own biological child, posed some problems.  I felt his frustration. I knew it was time for me to try and help support and work through his feelings with him. 

It’s been months of work between the two of us, but through some counseling , therapy for Gabe, communication and compromise between James and I, we've come so far and have accomplished so much.  Our relationship is 10x what it was in the beginning.  We took the struggles we experienced and learned from them, rather than allow them to conquer our family. We still have our little moments, but NOTHING like we did previously.  Our love and respect for each other has only grown.

My point being, if I didn't take the time to work on myself and my marriage, where would be all be now? I actually took the time to try and understand and learn why James felt what he did, instead of assuming he just didn't care about Gabe. I hadn't of done any of this, we wouldn't be what we are now. We would've probably been another divorce statistic. Guys and gals are different in the ways they act and think.  We can’t assume that because our men don’t talk with us about their feelings that they don’t care. We can’t assume that because they don’t act the way we do with our children that they don’t care.  We can’t assume that because they don’t communicate with the same thoughts that they don’t respect us.  Those ready assumptions can cost us what we truly want.  I love my husband and married him knowing his faults.  We work each and every day, to grow and learn with and from each other.  This in turn, enables our children to learn from us and hopefully help them grow into functioning, compassionate, loving, honest and truthful adults.  We lead by example.  

Post Surgery Update

I haven't talked much about my post surgery healing.  I figured it was due time for an update.  I'm doing well physically.  At my last post-op appointment, my HCG levels had dropped drastically.  It had been 8 days from my time in the hospital to that appointment.  It feels good to be able to eat a normal meal and to be able to drink fluids without feeling like I'm going to expel it all via Exorcism style. Believe me, don't EVER take water for granted. It really is a precious commodity and necessity.  Before all this started, I was drinking a gallon or more a day.  When I was at my worst, I couldn't even down a glass of water without it coming right back up.  Now?  I'm almost back up to my original status. YAY! Just a few more post-op appointments to make sure my levels drop to zero. I can help my husband feel as though he's not alone in our partnership in marriage and as parents.  I feel good knowing I can be there for my kids.  I can chase them around the house to tickle them, make them pancakes and hug and kiss them. :)  

The downfall?  I've started to finally feel the emotional impact this has had on me and my family.  Don't get me wrong, having this blog has helped the process move along a lot smoother.  The pain I feel isn't so much of a loss, as it is for having the knowledge I do now on what could have happened to me had we not taken the chance to seek out proper emergency medical care. I had to educate myself on something that I was completely clueless about.  Complete Molar Pregnancy.  The term still sounds foreign to my ears. 

*Just as a side note: I know that I explained a teensy weensy bit about what a complete molar pregnancy is, but just in case you all would like more information on this...(as described by the Mayo Clinic  http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/molar-pregnancy/basics/definition/con-20034413 )...

A molar pregnancy is a noncancerous (benign) tumor that develops in the uterus. It starts when an egg is fertilized, but instead of a normal, viable pregnancy resulting, the placenta develops into an abnormal mass of cysts.

In a complete molar pregnancy, there's no embryo or normal placental tissue. In a partial molar pregnancy, there's an abnormal embryo and possibly some normal placental tissue. The embryo begins to develop but is malformed and can't survive.

A molar pregnancy can have serious complications — including a rare form of cancer — and requires early treatment.

A molar pregnancy may seem like a normal pregnancy at first, but most molar pregnancies cause specific signs and symptoms, including:

• Dark brown to bright red vaginal bleeding during the first trimester
• Severe nausea and vomiting
• Sometimes vaginal passage of grape-like cysts
• Rarely pelvic pressure or pain

A molar pregnancy is caused by an abnormally fertilized egg. Shortly after fertilization, the chromosomes from the mother's egg are lost or inactivated and the father's chromosomes are duplicated. The egg may have had an inactive nucleus or no nucleus. In a partial or incomplete molar pregnancy, the mother's chromosomes remain but the father provides two sets of chromosomes. 

Up to an estimated 1 in every 1,000 pregnancies is molar. 

After a molar pregnancy has been removed, molar tissue may remain and continue to grow. This is called persistent gestational trophoblastic disease (GTD). It occurs in about 1 of every 5 women after a molar pregnancy — usually after a complete mole rather than a partial mole.

One sign of persistent GTD is when the level of human chorionic gonadotropin (HCG) — a pregnancy hormone — remains high after the molar pregnancy has been removed. In some cases, an invasive mole penetrates deep into the middle layer of the uterine wall, which causes vaginal bleeding. Persistent GTD can nearly always be successfully treated, most often with chemotherapy. Another treatment option is removal of the uterus (hysterectomy).

Rarely, a cancerous form of GTD known as choriocarcinoma develops and spreads to other organs. Choriocarcinoma is usually successfully treated with multiple cancer drugs.

A molar pregnancy can't continue as a normal viable pregnancy. To prevent complications, the molar tissue must be removed. Treatment usually consists of one or more of the following:

• Dilation and curettage (D&C). To treat a molar pregnancy, your doctor removes the molar tissue from your uterus during a procedure called dilation and curettage (D&C). A D&C is usually done as an outpatient procedure in a hospital.
  During the procedure, you receive a local or general anesthetic and lie on your back with your legs in stirrups. Your doctor inserts a speculum into your vagina, as in a pelvic exam, to see your cervix. Your doctor then dilates your cervix and removes uterine tissue with a vacuum device. A D&C usually takes about 15 to 30 minutes.
• Hysterectomy. If the molar tissue is extensive and there's no desire for future pregnancies, you might have surgery to remove your uterus (hysterectomy).
• HCG monitoring. After the molar tissue is removed, your doctor repeats measurements of your HCG level until it returns to normal. If you continue to have HCG in your blood, you may need additional treatment. Once treatment for the molar pregnancy is complete, your doctor may continue to monitor your HCG levels for six months to one year to make sure there's no remaining molar tissue. Because pregnancy makes it difficult to monitor HCG levels, your doctor may recommend waiting until after follow-up before trying to become pregnant again.

So, yeah...you can see why I was so freaked out when I was at the hospital finding out about this.  I know that my chances are slim about me getting anything cancerous, but...cancer? OMG.  The fear, unfortunately, is still there. I don't have a difficult time seeing my friends with their babies or hearing about their pregnancies.  Those things actually make my smile and lift my heart to a higher place. I'm genuinely happy for my friends. :) The hard part I keep butting heads with, is when I look at the situation as a whole and realize I'm lucky. I know I'm okay, but seeing everything that happened and reading back through what I've went through, has left me a little stunned.  I didn't realize how much I had really went through until I talked with my husband and kids about the whole ordeal.  James told me how he was seriously concerned about my well-being at the time. To hear that sense of pain and worry in my husband's voice, just rocked me to the core. We're all still having a difficult time conceptualizing that reality. 

I have my spiritual faith to help calm me during this time. I'm lucky to have the friends and family that I do, during this time, to lend their love and support to us.  Their love, friendship, listening skills and compassion has been invaluable. I thank them for who they are and what they've done. <3 

Just know, if there is any of you out there that need support during your time of loss and grief, you are not alone and there are resources at your fingertips.  If you have any questions and would like some help to locate or reach these resources; don't be afraid to talk to your doctor, counselor, friend, family member or local support group.  You don't have to be alone. Don't blame yourself.  Don't be afraid to talk to someone. Don't lose hope. 

<3 We are not alone. <3

Happy Mother's Day

Just wanted you all to know I didn't forget about you.  I've been catching up on so much since I've been recovering from my surgery.  I wanted to drop by and send a little note of love and happiness.  

Happy Mother's Day to all!

A thanks to those mothers that have loved and lost.  A thanks to the fathers out there that have had to fulfill both roles. A thanks to those mothers that are responsible for the wee ones running amok in the house. A thanks to those grandmothers who bake cookies with their grandchildren (my mother-in-law does this as a weekly tradition with our daughter). A thanks to those ladies that work and those that stay home.  A thanks to those that step parent (because you are still mommies too). Thank you all, for all that you do. You are thought of, loved and appreciated. <3 

*This is my mother long before she had me.  She was born and raised in South Korea.  Beautiful, compassionate and amazing.  Although I lost her when I was only 13, she resonates within me with everything I do.* 

I love you mom.  Happy Momma's Day to you. <3

National Bereaved Mother's Day

I guess I’m a bit late for this one and I apologize for that.  I heard that today is National Bereaved Mother’s Day.  This day is to help honor and celebrate the mothers who weren't able to carry their children in their arms, but rather in their hearts.  It’s a time to lend support and love to those that have experienced loss, whether through a stillborn or miscarriage.  These women are still mothers…just to wee angels now.  If you know someone who has experienced a loss, please remember to hold them in your thoughts and hearts today.  Know that they need to be recognized for their strength and determination to continue living life to the fullest; despite the extreme loss they have or are going through. 

I remember seeing the term “Rainbow baby” a few weeks back.  This term is used for a baby that is born following a stillbirth or miscarriage.  I think the term is so beautiful.  It lets us know that there can sometimes be something wonderful and special after a storm.  A rainbow is a sight to behold.  I have a rainbow baby in my family; my son.  I look at him every day and realize that I have been blessed.

I've known a few people in my time that have experienced a stillborn or miscarriage.  I am one of those people who have suffered a loss.  I mentioned in my last post about recent events that have shown how vulnerable we can become once we are faced with this heartache. This last one was actually my 3^rd miscarriage. 

I experienced one a year before my son was ever conceived.  I thought all was going well, but when I hit 13 weeks, I knew something wasn't right.  I headed in for what I thought was going to be a routine prenatal appointment, but instead, was met with terrible news.  There was a sac, but no baby.  I was told I was inevitably going to miscarry.  A few days later, late at night, I started to experience bleeding.  It was horrendous.  After an hour or so, I realized there was something VERY wrong.  I bled so much, I started to get lightheaded and dizzy.  My boyfriend at the time and I rushed to the emergency room and discovered that I was hemorrhaging.  They gave me some pain meds via IV and informed me that there was no other choice but to head to surgery for a D&C.  I will never forget the damage (emotionally) that the miscarriage had inflicted on me…and my relationship.  I will NEVER forget that first baby.  Although I was told there wasn't a baby, only a sac…that was still a pregnancy to me.  Sometime during that, something was trying to grow; a life was trying to grow.

I know this may sound strange or even out of place to some, but although I may not know some of you, you have a friend in me.  You are not alone and do not have to face any of this on your own.  If you need someone to talk to or just to shoot the breeze…you can count on me.  I will do my best to be there. :) 

As I stated in my previous blog post…WE are NOT alone. <3